Mourning, Memories, and Moving On
by CompleteNerd14
Summary: This is a Jeggy, John Laurens and Peggy were secretly a couple. But when John dies, Peggy is left with nothing but memories and dreams of what could have been. This story will be about Peggy's life, some of the chapters will be in her present, and others will be in her and John's past. Basically, her living her life, and things in it causing flashbacks to their time together.
1. Endings and Beginnings

John Laurens died on August 17, 1782. He was killed in a gunfight with a group of British soldiers in the Battle of the Combahee River in South Carolina. At his death Alexander Hamilton (among others) received a letter informing him of his friend's death.

His wife Eliza had been the one to tell him the terrible news and was the first one to see his devastation. Alexander had locked himself in his study for weeks, Eliza brought him his meals and he emerged only for sleep, going to bed at midnight, and leaving before dawn.

But there was one person close to John Laurens who had not received a letter. Her name was Margarita Schuyler. That was because nobody knew they were close, they had planned for John to ask her father to marry her when he got back, but that wasn't going to happen.

Perhaps the worst thing about his death was that she didn't find out about it for three weeks. That was one of the downsides of keeping their relationship a secret, nobody would know to tell her if something happened.

By the third week of not hearing from him Peggy began to suspect, she had never gone more than two weeks without a letter from him. By the first month she was frantic, not that she could tell anyone. It was Eliza who told her, over tea at the Hamilton's house.

"I'm worried about Alexander, ever since he got the letter about John's death he's barely come out of that study."

At her sister's words Peggy froze, eyes widening and face going pale. Luckily, Eliza was too busy worrying about her husband to notice her sister's distress. _Calm down Peggy, maybe it's a different John, don't let Eliza realize you know him._ Peggy took a deep breath and spoke.

"Wait, John as in John Laurens?"

"Yes, he and Alexander were best friends. Did you know him?"

"We met."

With those two small words Peggy was transported back to when they had met. Back to 1780, a winters ball. Back to a revel with some rebels on a hot night. Back to when she had fallen in love.

* * *

 ** _Flashback to 1780, a Winters Ball_**

Peggy ran after her sisters, tripping in a not very graceful way. Eliza and Angelica hurried into the crowded room in a rustle of silken skirts, Peggy hurrying behind.

Within the minute Angelica was dancing with a tall, handsome man in the center of the dance floor, dazzling the room. Eliza and Peggy stood in the sidelines watching their sister. Then Eliza saw him, five young men came swaggering in as if they owned the place, and made a beeline to the bar.

Seconds later, Angelica appeared at their side and began talking to the man Eliza had been watching. The younger Schuyler Sisters gazed at Angelica and the handsome young man, both of them laughing and talking animatedly. Then Angelica turned and saw Eliza's face, the older girl looked back at her new friend and seemed to excuse herself before hurrying over to them.

All three sisters knew Eliza's sweet and gentle nature couldn't compare with Angelica's wit and beauty. Sure, Eliza was pretty, with shoulder length dark hair and blue eyes. Even Peggy was pretty enough, with long, curly brown hair and green eyes that sparkled with the recklessness of a younger daughter. But Angelica was stunning.

The eldest Schuyler Sister was the kind of girl who could catch the eye of a whole room without trying, make whole battalions fall in love with her. Long, slightly curly, raven black hair that cascaded down her back, and deep, dark eyes that reflected the young woman's intelligence and strength of will. It also didn't hurt that her father was rich.

"Angie, who was that boy you were talking to a minute ago?"

"His name is Alexander Hamilton, he's... unusual. Intelligent, brave, ambitious and handsome of course. Unfortunately he's also poor, Daddy wouldn't approve Eliza."

"Too bad. But Angie, you can have any boy you want. Promise me one thing."

"Anything you want Betsy."

"This one's mine. Can you introduce us?"

"Sure, give me a moment."

Eliza turned back to the bar to watch her new crush, so Peggy was the only one to see the look on Angie's face. The older girl bit her lip and gave a tiny but decisive nod. Peggy knew that look, it was the look Angelica always wore when she gave something up for her sisters, this time was different though, resignation mixed with a deep sadness that she had never seen before. Before Peggy could say anything her sister was making her way across the room though.

Her younger sisters watched as she grabbed Hamilton's arm and began dragging him toward them. As they drew closer Peggy could just make out their words.

"Where are you taking me?"

"I'm about to change your life."

"Then by all means, lead the way."

Peggy stepped away, she would fade out of the picture to them anyway, and she didn't like when that happened. Eliza smiled, and her teal dress just barely brushed the floor as she stepped forward.

"Elizabeth Schuyler, thank you, for all your service."

Hamilton smiled, stepping away from Angelica and toward Eliza. Gently, took her hand and bent to kiss it. Eliza swooned, practically fainting.

"If it takes fighting a war for us to meet, it will have been worth it."

Now Angelica spoke, and Peggy saw tears glittering in the corner of her eyes, Eliza and Alexander were too lost in each other's eyes to notice anything was amiss, didn't even notice the hitch in her voice.

"I'll leave you to it."

With that she pulled Peggy away, and Alexander twirled their sister onto the dance floor. Now that they were alone, Peggy could talk to her.

"Are you okay Angie? I saw how you were looking at him."

"I'm fine Peggy, thank you for asking."

But Peggy wasn't so sure, the dark-haired girl's eyes were too bright, and she turned away too fast. Quietly, the younger girl put an arm around her sister and steered her toward a table, sitting down beside her.

"Ange, it's me, I know that for some reason he meant a lot to you. Eliza might have been too preoccupied to notice, but I wasn't"

"Peggy, I think I might love him. I don't know. I've never been in love and I don't know what it feels like. But I've never felt this way about anyone before."

Peggy looked thoughtful for a moment then opened her mouth to speak.

"Excuse me, may I have the honor of a dance?"

Angelica looked at the tall young Frenchman, then back at Peggy. The younger girl nodded encouragingly and her sister nodded and took his outstretched arm, the two twirling onto the dance floor.

Moments later, both sisters were regretting the decision.

"Not the best dancer, is he? Apparently he used to get bullied about it as a kid back in France. I gotta give him credit though, he's trying."

Peggy turned toward the voice, and found that a young man was standing beside her, drink in hand. He smiled, eyes warm in a freckled face framed in long, curly brown hair. He nodded toward Angelica and her companion as the two moved across the dance floor, Angelica wiping every few moments as he stepped on her feet, and then so apologized profusely that she couldn't get mad.

"Lieutenant colonel John Laurens at your service."

"Peggy, Peggy Schuyler. And yes, Schuyler as in the rich family from Albany."

"Um... Okay?"

Peggy blushed, she had had a few people come to dance with her, all of them for the same reason. This boy, John Laurens, seemed different though. Quickly grasping for any subject to get her out of the awkward silence she seized upon his uniform.

"So you're in the Continental Army then?"

"Yes, one of Washington's aide de camps. My dad decided that he would get me the most nonviolent job in the army to try and get me to leave, so he pulled a few strings and got me this job." He seemed relieved too.

"So you know the guy dancing with my sister?"

"Your sister? Oh... yeah, Marquis de Lafayette, plus a whole bunch of other names that would take at least ten minutes to list."

"Marquis de Lafayette? You mean the major general who has made a name for himself as a brilliant strategist? And is apparently a terrible dancer?"

He laughed at that and nodded. She smiled shyly and brushed a strand of hair from her face, then grinned, Eliza and Angelica were both busy, maybe it was time for her to be just a little bit reckless too. Just reckless enough to dance with someone she knew absolutely nothing about, even if she didn't know the size of his and his families coffers.

"Do you want to dance?"

"I thought the guy was supposed to ask that."

"Well, I've never been great at following rules."

"Let's go."

The new couple twirled gracefully across the dance floor in a swirl of yellow silk. Angelica glared at her as her sister as the younger girl danced with a handsome young man who was an infinitely better dancer than her partner, as good as his manners where.

Eliza, occupied as she was, glanced over and smiled at her sisters and smiled. Eventually it got late and they had to leave, rather reluctantly.

The three sisters stepped into the carriage and headed home, Angelica rubbing her feet where they had been danced on. The evening wasn't too bad for all of them though, the two younger girls were still glowing with the memory of what had happened. Peggy rested her chin on her hand and thought back to earlier.

* * *

"And if she would let me, where might I address any letters to?"

"That depends, who do you want to send letters to?"

Peggy grinned slyly, she didn't get many boys going after her just for her, and not money. Actually, this was the first. And Peggy was going to milk it for all it was worth, he would have to work for it.

"To a Ms. Margarita Schuyler."

"Margarita?"

"Peggy?"

"Much better."

She gave him the address. Then she heard her sisters calling her, glancing at the clock, she realized it was getting very late. The other two girls pulled her away and back to their carriage.

 **This is an idea that hit me a few days ago, I've never seen anything like this before, review to tell me what you think. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Ghost House

**Hi guys, so from now on I am going to update this story on Monday and my other story on Thursday**

* * *

Peggy sat in a daze as Eliza chattered on about her husband and new son. The hour passed Peggy by in a blur, the sound of her sisters voice fading into the background. It wasn't until she was out of the Hamilton's house and back in the carriage going home that she regained her senses.

John was _dead._ They would never walk in the park, go see a play, or just sit and talk for hours ever again. They would never get married. She would have to spend the rest of her life alone. No, not alone, Daddy would find a wealthy husband for her, just like he had for Angelica.

She stared out the window and wondered idly what her life would be like now. Who would her new husband be? Where would she live, would she stay here in New York, go somewhere else in America, or leave the country like Angelica?

She knew what John would have said; _Come on Pegs, stop worrying so much, we'll be fine!_ But it wasn't 'we' anymore, just her.

She took a deep, shuddering breath, she missed him already. Fiercely biting back a sob, she watched the houses go by through vision blurred by tears. When they finally did reach the Schuyler mansion she didn't register that they had stopped.

Until the door opened of course. Quickly collecting herself, she stepped out, nodding to the driver and made her way to the door. Slowly, she wandered out through the large house, it seemed so empty without her sisters, even her father was away on business, and she was left alone with only the servants that scuttled around as quiet as mice.

Halls that had once echoed with the sound of laughter now silent and empty. The mansion seemed almost like a ghost house. In a way it was; haunted by memories of what had been, what could and would never be again.

Silent as a ghost herself, Peggy walked through the empty halls until she reached the hallway that the three girls rooms adjoined. Her gaze trailed over the smooth wooden doors, each knothole and scratch familiar. Hand pressed against the cold, hard wall she rested her head against the door of her own room for a moment. Then she turned the knob and the door swung open with a soft creak of hinges.

She looked into the small room that had changed so little in the span of her life. The memories crowded in now, thick and fast. Sitting on the bed talking with her sisters late into the night, studying frantically for a test she had forgotten to prepare for, reading by the light of a small candle on her bedside table, talking with John, and reading his letters over and over until she knew each one by heart, falling asleep with his latest tucked safely beneath her pillow.

Her gaze clouded with grief, the girl made her way to the bed and sat down heavily. She flopped back and closed her eyes to block the river of tears that threatened to break free of the quickly cracking dam of courage her mind had built to hold them back.

She didn't know how long she lay there, battling the tidal wave of grief that threatened to sweep her away and never let her go. She knew only that her swiftly fraying courage wouldn't last long now. Rolling over, she slid off the matress and reached down to pull something from under the bed.

It was a box of smooth, dark wood, engraved with one word: _Peggy._ It had been a gift from John, about a week after Eliza's wedding, when he left to go rejoin the army.

To hold his letters, he had said. She had smiled and kissed him, hugging the small box to her chest. A week later he had received a identical box, this one of pale wood, one word carved on its lid: _John._ A note had been placed inside it, folded twice, and with his name scrawled across it. _To hold my letters in._ The box had said, she hoped it did.

She opened her own box, thumbing through the dozens of pages. She wondered what had become of his box, hoping whoever found it respected their privacy, she doubted it. She stopped at the last page, the first letter.

Smiling, a little sadly, she opened it and began to read. She laughed as she read the first lines, remembering the day she had received it. The words took her back, back to a happier time, a time when she was in love, a time when her sisters were with her practically every waking moment. Back...

* * *

 **Okay guys, so I hope you liked this, please review, and the next chapter will be a flashback to when she got it! Thanks for reading, like I have said, reviews mean a lot, and if you haven't, please go take a look at my other fanfic!**


	3. Letters

**This isn't my best writing, I've been really busy lately. Also I am not good at writing letters, hope you think it's okay though, enjoy!**

* * *

Peggy was sitting on her bed reading when the door flew open. In a flurry of blue skirts Eliza had leaped onto her sister's bed, excitement radiating off of her like light from a lantern.

"Peggy, look! I got a letter from Alexander!"

The younger girl laughed, and leaned over to look at the letter her sister was clutching as if it was the most precious thing in the world.

"Isn't that like, your fifth letter from him in the _one_ week you've known him?"

"Sixth."

"Of course."

The blue skirted girl returned to pouring over the letter, no doubt for the tenth time already. Peggy smiled quietly to herself at her sister's excitement. Then the smile faded, why hadn't he written to her? Was he too busy? Had he found someone else?

Why was she so upset? She had only met him once. Eliza looked up from the letter, grinning happily.

"I'm going to go show Angie, want to come?

"Not this time Eliza."

The other girl skipped away cheerfully, without noticing the hint of sadness in her sister's voice. That's when the servant knocked on her door.

"Ms. Peggy, there's a letter here for you."

The woman handed her the envelope and hurried out. Peggy smiled as she read who it was addressed to; _Ms. Peggy, not Margarita, Schuyler._

She tore open the envelope, eyes drinking in the words on the page.

* * *

 _Dear Peggy, not Margarita,_

 _I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to write. To be honest I was worried you'd forgotten about me, or found someone better. Peggy, I miss you, I know we only met once, but it feels like we've known each other longer._

 _I hope you are okay with me writing to you, but since you wrote a letter to Hamilton, I figured I might as well give it a try. Not sure if that's great logic, anyway, I want to write you, if that's okay._

 _Not sure if I'm doing this right, I don't usually write to girls, especially ones I actually think are awesome. Sorry, like I said, I'm not really sure how to do this. Anyway, if you are okay with me writing you then reply to this letter, if you don't reply I won't write you again, I won't count it against you._

 _Okay, I better stop writing before I make a even bigger fool of myself. Thank you for taking the time to read this (if, as I hope you do), I really need to stop writing, bye._

 _-John Laurens_

 _P.S. Please write back_

 _P.P.S. I really need to stop continuing this letter, bye for real now._

* * *

She closed her eyes, holding the letter to her chest. She was about to rush into her Angie's room to show her sisters when she thought better of it. Let Eliza have her letter from Hamilton, let her parade it around, Peggy would keep hers a secret, for now at least.

She carefully slipped the letter beneath her mattress, a place her sisters wouldn't find it. Sliding off the bed she walked to a small cabinet and took out a quill, an inkwell, and a piece of paper, she was going to write back. She listened for a moment, making sure Eliza and Angie weren't coming, then placed the tip of her quill on the paper.

* * *

 _Dear John,_

 _I'm happy you finally wrote. Tell Hamilton that I meant what I wrote, if he tells anyone I will send somebody to kill him. Back to us, I was beginning to think you'd never write! I missed you too, and you're right, it does feel longer._

 _Feel free to write to me whenever you want, I'd like that. How are you? I'm okay, Eliza is freaking out every night, since she gets a letter from Alexander every night. Angelica is okay, but I think Daddy may have found her a husband. I hope not, I'd miss her so much once she left._

 _I want all three of us stay together forever, but I know that can't happen. Anyway, I better stop writing before I make an even bigger fool out of myself than I already have._

 _-Peggy Schuyler_

* * *

Peggy grinned down at the page, this might work. She carefully folded it and placed it in an envelope, addressing it to John Laurens. She rushed downstairs and quickly placed it with Eliza's new letter, glancing around to check for prying eyes and curious sisters.

Done, she hurried upstairs and joined her sisters on Angie's bed.

"So, what'd he say Eliza?"

"Peggy, I have something to tell you. Alexander is coming to ask Daddy if he can marry me. He's coming next week."

"Wow... that, wow..."

"I know."

"I- I'm really happy for you Eliza."

"Thanks Peggy."

All three girls hugged, that was all that was needed. The three sisters sat on Angie's bed and talked till midnight, putting aside the looming shadow of a possible separation for one night, just being sisters...


	4. Tears

**Okay guys, so I know Peggy had a younger sister (Catherine) but I am disregarding that fact for the sake of the story, except at one point, which you will see later on. This isn't my best writing, cut me some slack, I'm sick and my house is covered in pine tree pollen, which I am allergic to! Anyway, enjoy!**

Peggy bit her lip, the pain was welcome, it helped to hide the pain in her heart. She tucked the sheet of paper back into the box before closing the lid. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Peggy held the box to her chest and rocked back and forth on the floor.

The tears she had held back now broke loose. They streamed down her face, glittering like tiny diamonds and collecting in the engraved letters. She leaned against the bed, curling around the box and burying her face in the smooth wood.

After what felt like hours, Peggy rose. She pushed the box under the bed slowly, almost reverently. Still shaking slightly, Peggy changed and went down to the kitchen. She was alone in the big house, aside from the two servants, and she told the cook that she would take dinner in her room.

The echoing of her footsteps in the empty halls was depressing enough, she decided, without sitting at the long table that was meant for at least twenty people. So she ate in her room, sprawled on the bed and reading a book her father had given her before he left.

The church bells had already chimed eleven o'clock by the time she blew out the candles and went to bed. When she did sleep however, it was fitful, tossing and turning till she woke just before dawn. When she rose she was groggy and tired, she had gotten little rest.

So she curled up on her bed with the blanket draped around her shoulders. Resting her chin on her hands, she stared around the room that she had lived in her whole life. It had changed as she got older, but the walls were still painted a bright shade of sunflower yellow, the small portrait of her and her sisters still hung on the wall.

Slowly she arose, blanket trailing behind her like the train of the wedding dress Eliza had worn. She stared for a moment at the painting smiling slightly at the look of impatience on the face of the smallest girl (her at the age of five). Her fingers traced the picture frame, before trailing along the three girls, each one smiling, happy to endure the horror of sitting still for hours as long as they were together.

The young woman rested her forehead against the thick, cool canvas. She looked up at the ceiling, choking back tears. She was alone. Her sisters had left her, John was dead, and even her father was gone most of the time on business.

Her eyes drifted back down to the canvas, slick and smooth with paint. She remembered that day- though rather fuzzily. She smiled, remembering her own impatience, Angie, quiet and regal, and Eliza trying to imitate her older sister.

She remembered how the painter had taken three hours till he had dismissed him. With a faint smile, but eyes blurred with tears, she remembered how her mother had rewarded them with cake for their relatively good behavior.

She shook her head and made her way back towards the bed. She noticed how the blanket trailed behind her like Eliza's wedding dress, smiling bitterly. It was ironic, she supposed, a gray and black wedding dress for a girl who might have been a bride to the man she loved. A girl who now mourned the life she might have had.

A girl who might have- no. Dwelling on it would only cause her more pain. She shivered again and sank back onto the soft mattress, pulling the blanket closer around her shoulders. This time it wasn't just to warm the chill in her bones, but the chill in her heart.

Peggy collapsed onto the mattress, eyes squeezed tightly shut to block out the tears. But the tears came anyway, trickling from between closed lids, streaming down her cheeks, and wetting the blanket beneath her chin. She sighed and walked toward the fire, throwing on another log.

She curled up by the fire, the flames warmed her skin and soaked heat into her bones. She looked over her shoulder at the bed, gaze falling to the shadows beneath the bed. A shadow shaped like a box in particular. She crawled across the floor and pulled the small chest from beneath the mattress.

Returning to the fire she reached inside and pulled out another letter. Opening the envelope and slipped the page out she smiled. Her eyes scanned the lines, laughing at what she read. Her face was still streaked with tears, her eyes still red, but she found she could still laugh.

She smiled, and her mind took her back. Back to a winter night- back to a letter, back to a wedding..


	5. Poll

Hey guys, so quick poll: Should I continue this story?

I've done a lot more writing since, so it should be at least marginally better, but it will probably take a little while for me to start up again since I have another fic I need to get finished. Let me know what you think in the reviews! Thanks!


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